am (BAD DAYS) //

It's 10am and I'm not feeling well 
There's something wrong but I cannot tell 
What it is, so I try to move on 

It's 11am and I'm crawling back into bed 
Cause I can't stand the screaming inside of my head 
I can't stand this silence around me alone 
I don't know, I don't know 

So I try sleeping it off but that never works 
I'm scared that one day you will discover me down in the dirt 
When I find strength to drag this deadweight body over the edge 

(Empty exhaust fumes are set alight and burn with fire brighter than the whitest light, while rains of meteors come down and hit the atmosphere, an end to every life) 

And I know it's not fair that I ask you to stay 
When I want to leave 
But I'm going nowhere 
I just bury myself under layers of comforting grief 
Weaving through everything 
And weighing me down 
Pulling feathers from my spine 
Cutting chords so I can't make a sound 

(I can't let you leave I can't let you leave I can't let you leave) 

The day is done and I made it through 
I'm so heavy and worn-out as I lie down next to you 
And I pray for some peaceful nothingness 
To come and fill my chest 

And I'm feeling so small, a helpless child 
And I know that nothing can ever be right 
Until they close my sunken eyes 
One last time


Tell me, how can you bear it? How can you bear all of this pain 
That you put yourself through, day after day, again and again 

You hold yourself up to the flames, until there's nothing to hold 
You are covered in ashes, while your red, red blood is running cold 
In broken vessels that you hide away from me 
But I'm not blind and you're poorly disguised 
While you're tumbling at full speed towards the day you'll die 

It's not my sermon to give and yet I can't not preach 
Your joy lies in colours and music, but where will they go when you leave? 
Have you picked a dress for your funeral yet, a last song to be played? 
Is the table for all of your mourning guests set? Are you angry? Do you feel betrayed? 

You spin away with no center 
Out of control, you're caught in a tremor 

Unless you find a way to break these circles that never end 
You're not alone, I'm just like you and I hope to god you can ascend 
From those depths to which you sank and where no light can be 
Let the currents pull you up so you can rise above the sea 

...but you spin away


Back in the day you built a labyrinth of home and jealous eyes 
You used the absence of a thread to keep me lost inside 
My vision black, my wrists and ankles tied 
And in my head the path is blurred 
But I did make it out alive 
With broken bones, heavily bruised 
But I will be fine 

In secret books I hid the words 
I didn't dare to say to you 
I was a mess with burning doubts 
If what my instincts said was true 
Over and over, fallen through 

Back in the day you made me vow that I would forever stay 
It took me years to gather courage up to disobey 
You didn't mean to do me harm, but you did anyway 

And in the past I kept it hid 
I was uncertain and ashamed 
But time has passed and I see clearer now 
Imprints of teethmarks fade 
The empty cage beneath my shirt 
Now filled with love instead of heavy weight 
And on the empty stage of life 
We go our separate ways 

And I don't want to be your friend 
Don't want to know where you are now 
While I am mending the amends 
You made while I was still around 

In secret codes I spell the words 
That I don't dare to say out loud 
It hurts so much to realise 
That they will never be found 
The truth will stay buried in sound.


Footsteps of failure cling to my feet 
Without them I'd be incomplete 
They burn my soles and stain my path 
Splitting my consciousness in half. 

You find me dressed in lilac, unable to talk 
And all my best efforts, washed away like rainflushed chalk 
False starts and empty promises, 
The voices stay anonymous. 

Stare into lifeless eyes of a pale halfmoon 
My love is a wasteland that you threw yourself into. 
Slipped through the cracks again, come undone, 
Hiding my hopelessness away from everyone. 

I write it on the sidewalk, praying for rain 
„This is the last time“, I tell the cold porcelain 
But we both know that that's a lie 
I'm a lost cause, undignified. 

I'm on my best behaviour, but that doesn't mean a thing 
It's only a matter of time until I turn to stone and sink 
Things keep falling through the holes that spot my mind 
Deliberate habitual slow suicide 

Surrounded by white roses and made from clay, 
Drowned in the darkness that comes with each dying day 
Caught within chambers of a restless heart 
The circling serpents tear me apart 
I'm resurrected and reborn 
I carry on.


Lean against the wind and sleep on waves 
You are one with it, don't turn away 
Their waters won't carry me anymore 
So I hold my breath, but what for? 

Why do I never learn 
Why do I never learn? 

There are not enough hours in any day 
To do what you got to do and say what you have to say 
Your loudest voice silenced, your words bottled up, you break halfway 

This fear of misplaced trust will slowly melt and wash away 
Until the cores of our hearts lie bare and naked as they came 
But you light your fires and burn their tongues 
When you give your body to everyone 

Why do we never learn? 
why do we never learn? 

And which ever way we turn 
There's a hunger inside us that will never be stilled 
It runs in our blood, killing every thing that can be killed 
Leaving mortal shells empty, green eyes turning white 
Dreams undreamed and the prophecies unfulfilled


I catch your fallen body 
Breathing slowly in my arms 
Draped in soothing waves of honey 
We take and give each other warmth 
Abandoned lifelines are reformed 

Without hesitation 
We walk into the dark 
We follow burning constellations 
Black mirrors carrying our bark 
Made of porcelain with crimson marks 

My head lies calm between your hands around my face 
Thoughts come to rest and leave the labyrinth of old days 
The air goes back and forth between our naked lungs 
Two heartbeats counting seconds, filling hours, 
One by one by one 

Engraved in aeons of creation 
In peaceful innocence aligned 
Old planets ceasing alteration 
Good omens and growing faith entwined 
And nothing's left but our souls immersed in time 

Now golden particles of dust 
Are swirling down from way up high with endless trust 
Like light falling through amber stained with rust 
The universe alone surrounding us


Acidic bruises, un-seeing eyes 
I'm handing over my god-given rights 
A bitterness used so easily 
Accusations, turned against me 

Read me / It's such an easy key 
Read me / We come in pairs but independently 
Read me / It's in the words that you choose to ignore 
Read me / To figure out what I was dying for 

Abyss below, unnoticed scars extend 
Into futures, where I try to mend 
A burning, unforgiven secret's end 
Rising from ashes, with ruthless intent 

Read me / It's such an easy key 
Read me / We come in pairs but independently 
Read me / It's in the part that you refuse to play 
Read me / You screwed me up and I can't even say your name 

Merciless, envious rage 
Love is nowhere 
To be found.


I went out for a run today and I lost my way 
Can't tell if it's rain or sweat or tears, staining my face 
You got to keep on running 
Push the fog back out of your lungs 
Just keep on running 

I'm on the wrong side of the river and I can't swim 
I'm lost and I can't remember where I have been 
The rain's getting stronger and I'm feeling weak 
I'm soaked to my skin 
The ground washing away below my feet 
Come on take me in 

I'm on the wrong side of the river and it's getting cold 
Wrong side of the river, my teeth are closed around gold 
Wrong side of the river, but I'm not alone 
I see your hand reaching out, come on and take me home 

I'm lost in the world around me and it's getting cold 
My pillows are made of silk, my teeth are closed around gold 
I'm on the wrong side of the river but I'm not alone 
The boatman is holding my hand 
He's come to take me home.


Through layers of dreams, I see you 
Within patterns and schemes, you're there 

But I'm losing you, day by day 
Your voice and the words you said fade away 
Until nothing's left but empty frames 
The pictures gone with Chaos waxen flames 
Merciless decay 
Like darkness of night takes the day 
And spreads it's blackened sheets above us all 
While rows of saints guard the remnants of your soul 

But sometimes a splinter escapes their gaze 
To visit me and stray from common ways 
While moonlight casts shadows on my face 
You're free for a second from Thanatos embrace 

I wear the wings of dragonflies 
Breaking through windows made from stained glass eyes

pm (BAD HABITS) //

Tell me all your troubles and I will tell you mine 
For a while we can hide away and escape the passing of time 
But know that my words are bleak and not made to last 
They fade as we speak 
And I never quit when I should quit indeed 
Catch my syllables as they 
Fall from my mouth and go racing through monologues 
Fueled by listening ears 
All that guilt that we share 
All that warmth that we need but that we cannot find 
Keeps us bound together in defeat 

But I have nothing to say that hasn't been said a million times before 
I just slipped through the cracks of an already closing door 
So don't waste your precious time on me 
You say that I radiate light but I can't see whatever you see 

Tell me all your heavy-hearted sorrows that you cannot bear 
For a while we can hide away and complain about how it isn't fair
That our bodies are weak and not made to last 
We die as we speak 
And we're wide awake when we should be asleep 
Watch the shadows as they 
Creep over bottles and packs full of cigarettes, 
Headaches and faint memories 
And all the pain in my ribs 
All the kindness that burns 
Just like salt in my unworthy wounds 
That brain-eating disease... 

So don't waste your precious life on me 
I will not leave but you deserve better than I could ever be.