C/CA //

My armour of sweaters and cozy sheets 
Can't keep me safe anymore 
I walk under water through suburban streets 
The sweetest of voices in my ears 
The darkest of thoughts filling my head 
Your image keeping me alive 
When I wish I was dead 

And I won't ever fall in love again 
A silent vow I took 
But I can feel it happening 
And I can't make it stop 

And in my fantasies I see 
Empty rooms filled up with songs 
Two lungs, two sets of fast heartbeats 
Uniting voices, ringing clear 
Words that will never be said 
'Cause they're too honest, too sincere, 
But have this song instead 

I write you letters I can't send 
Don't dare to spell them out 
I'm scared that you might understand 
What this is really all about 

Dependence and abandonment 
They make it hard to grow 
And we both know that all too well 
It's why I can't let go 

It's hopeless, and you are far away 
I count the hours between us 
The miles that separate us every day 
From shared times and happiness


Wrap your spirit around me 
Invisible arms, they hold me tight 
I let you in, I close my eyes 
I'm lost in you, I'm lost in you 

A perfect angels marble skin 
Eerie glow in dark rooms of dreams 
A gentle, beaten, beating heart 
Ready to give up 
Ready to let go 

Intrusive thoughts they throw me off 
High bridges, cold water, escape 
Relief, but only to become 
The burden guiding your way 

And I still lock my doors at night 
I know that you won't come 
A lonely, mournful, living soul 
Ready to give in 
Ready to get lost 

The night surrounds us 
Slow-dancing, stumbling steps 
Through spinning rooms we fall 
Beyond the light, beyond the light, beyond the light


Magnolias in second bloom, 
Late summer fading much too soon 
Dark, unknown alleys at night 
That I'd much rather walk with you 

In my dreams 
I can see the future 
Revealing it's worn-out paths 
And it comes without thought 
And it comes from within 
Wearing a faceless mask 

People come to me and ask for directions 
I seem to be native to anywhere's streets 
But my answer is always the same: 
I am not from here 

Bloodshot eyes and unwashed hair 
Exchange the keys and go to sleep 
Memories are hazy dreams 
My dirty sweater worn for weeks 

In my ways 
I can't change the future 
Following well-known paths 
And it comes without love 
And it comes way too late 
Aligning with the stars 

People come to me and ask for affection 
I seem to be native to anyones lives 
But my answer is always the same: 
I am not from here 

And you can't make me stay


I know that if I have to fight 
It cannot be right 
And I want nothing more than for you to be gone 
Go and leave me alone 
Please stay and kiss me again 
And tell me you missed me, everywhere you've been 

I hope to haunt your dreams 
Like you haunt mine 
And I don't really want revenge 
But I think that might be a lie 
I tell myself 
It's fine, it's all going to be alright 
And it's ridiculous that my feelings don't fade 
My self-hatred cuts like a brand new blade 
But I won't be waiting anymore, I won't be waiting anymore 

I know I have to give you up 
But I hunger for your touch 
The question I asked, you simply answered 'I don't know' 
My heart about to implode 
All lovesongs remind me of you 
You say that you'll call, but in the end you never do 

And I hope to haunt your days and nights 
Like you haunt mine 
And I want to repay the pain 
But I don't want to be unkind 
I should stop writing these words 
Cause they work like a curse 
And maybe in a few years of time 
You'll fall in love, only to realise 
That I won't be waiting anymore, I won't be waiting anymore 

And I still feel like everything was right


Went out in the rain, 
The birds are singing their songs 
And I can't comprehend 
That you are gone now 

The winds will carry us away 
Away until we are no more 
Leaving behind a trail of sand and stones 
In the city of the dead 
Leaving behind our skin and bones 
No need for them in what's ahead 

The waves will wash us safe ashore 
Ashore on beaches white as snow 
Leaving behind a trail of drops and tears 
On the way through pearly gates 
Leaving behind all doubts and fears 
No need for them in future fates 

And I'll wear my black 
And get through my day 
You were so, you were so far away


It was a quiet sunday morning when we found you 
All stiff and frozen in your bed 
I was 12 and knew not what to do 
Rang up your neighbour and said 'our father's dead' 

So many things that I would like to show 
So many things we never shared 
But I feel like you are there with me 
Knowing that you cared 

They burned your body in my absence 
Buried you, put down a stone, made it a grave 
I made my way through a troubled adolescence 
They told me I was very brave 

So many things that I would like to say 
So many things you'll never see 
I reach for you through shades of lucid dreams 
Knowing it can never be 

My mum still cries at certain songs in church 
Me and your brother are real close friends 
Unknowingly he helps me fight destructive urges 
He said 'the missing never ends' 

So many things that I would like to know 
So many things left unsaid 
But I feel like you'd be proud of me 
Seeing where I'm at


I'm your lioness in the dark 
I will bear your scratches, bear your marks 
You sharpen your tongue 
And spill moans from my lungs 
Deadly wounded and stung 

Silvery ceiling and shimmering doors 
Keep me awake so I won't start to dream 
Pull my conscience back on it's leash 
Spread fabric on uneven floors 

Starlight catches our skin 
We are outside within a house 
With you is all I've ever been 
Narcissist and goldmouthed 
Your fangs shine so white 
You won't but you might 

Golden eyes are turning brown 
Blinded by the darkened sun 
A mind set free, I let it run 
Through all the love I've never known 

We'll die and rot and turn to stones 
Green velvet covering our bones


I never saw, I never realised 
But you did love me, in your cruel ways 
Oh but how it must have hurt your pride 
Humiliating scenes I can't erase 

But I'm still walking in your shoes 
And I'm still making excuses up for you 
After all, you were just terrified to lose me to another 
Careful to destroy the sense of self-worth I still had 

You only knew, you just internalized 
The fucked up ways your mother loved her child 
I tried to make it up a thousand times 
But nothing could leave you satisfied 

I thought I saw your skinny legs 
Walking towards me 
In the winter, a year ago 
And all my dignity was gone, 
And I was ready to forgive you 
But I was wrong 

I'm still walking in your shoes 
When all I want is to leave this all behind 
After all, you were ashamed of me and it's so hurtful what I find 
Digging up old memories of things that I promised you to hide 
But now it's time 
I am yours no longer 
I am mine


How do I follow a heart, that's been deceiving? 
Making me stay, when I should have been leaving 
She was never any good, any good for me 

How do I trust a head that's not working right? 
Paranoid panic, in broadest daylight 
I was never good enough, good enough for her 

Oh but I'd be brave and I'd be kind 
If only I could leave this mess behind 
And I can't trust my own memories 
Made up lies of a life worth of time 
Burning bright with wild fantasies 
If only I knew the true past of mine 

Nostalgia tells it's golden lies 
While melancholy holds me tight 
Sways me in it's broken arms 
Keeps me insane and safe from harm 
Tells me tales from far away 
From places where I'll be one day 
Put on my shoes and crack a smile 
Roll up my sleeves, nothing to hide


I see your face, in the morning 
Brighter than most memories, 
I hear you laugh, I hear you moaning 
Can it be true, can it please? 

I see your face, late at night 
When I'm bored and on my own 
I see us wrapped in heavy winter coats 
In New York City's endless snow 

I don't sleep anymore, I only fantasize 
I can only see yours, when I close my own eyes 

And it hurts so much, to hear your pain 
I wish I could take it all away 

I wear my heart on my tongue 
Spill it all out in songs 
Three words slip upwards from my lungs 
To last for a breath and never be gone